On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
