So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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