Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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