if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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