Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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