I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
