You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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