Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
