Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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