you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
