It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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