I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
