Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
