He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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