what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
