Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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