It's like a parade of train wrecks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Houston, we have a blender
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
