I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize