first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
