and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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