I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
