I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
