omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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