I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
