Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
