Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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