I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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