This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
