Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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