I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
