Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
