We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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