i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
