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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?

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• (760): View more from California

  Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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• (315): View more from New York

  how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.

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• (585): View more from New York

  So stoned i forgot i was in bed

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame

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• (518): View more from New York

  I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"

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• (325): View more from Texas

  'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?

  (1-325): View more from Texas

  oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?

  (325): View more from Texas

  I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.

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• (807): View more from Ontario

  Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?

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