i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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