just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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