i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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