i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
