I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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