yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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