apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
