There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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