did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think people are normalizing furries
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
