I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
