Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
