Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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