i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
