I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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