I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
