Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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