oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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