Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
